Kinda worried about going into the empty house again, really hits home then as he was always there when I arrived waiting for me no matter what time of day.
Going to be a busy week though as I am going to re-do the gardens and the inside stuff this upcoming week and over the first 6 weeks of summer. Looking forward to being able to visit his graveside in the Chapel again though, has seemed so strange to not be able to go there and visit him each morning.
Doing my best to stay busy so that I don't fall into that sad place again, still have moments where I stumble upon a memory that still stings instead of bringing a smile to my face. One was the other day when I remembered that I was going to get him a fresh box of Timbits right before I crossed the border so that they would be still fresh when I arrived down there and he could try them but now of course there is no need for me to do that soooo......
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers day
Very difficult today, cannot seem to stop crying.
Went out for the middle part of the day with the kids on a family adventure, didnt start having trouble till I got back home... then the lonliness hit me, I want him here with me so badly. I am heading back down south to our house again in a week and a half to start on the gardens and exterior to get it ready to sell, I am dreading the drive there, going to be really hard to be alone with all my thoughts for that many hours in the car again.
I try to think of how he would want me to go on and try to smile but it is not helping much today.
I wish it would stop hurting so very much...
Went out for the middle part of the day with the kids on a family adventure, didnt start having trouble till I got back home... then the lonliness hit me, I want him here with me so badly. I am heading back down south to our house again in a week and a half to start on the gardens and exterior to get it ready to sell, I am dreading the drive there, going to be really hard to be alone with all my thoughts for that many hours in the car again.
I try to think of how he would want me to go on and try to smile but it is not helping much today.
I wish it would stop hurting so very much...
Friday, May 6, 2011
Everyday stuff
Its a semi-quiet evening after a warm sunny day. These are definitely the best but also the most Bittersweet days of all. The sun feels so good and warm and its easy to think of happy memories when its nice out but it is also so sad to think about the summer we were supposed to spend together this year. I find myself wishing that we had just been given a little bit longer together. Sometimes when I am feeling sad I find myself hoping this is all just a terrible nightmare that I will awaken from to find all is back to how it should be and my hopes and dreams for the future still intact.
I think most often about our last two conversations, I really wish I had called him back on the Sunday night....
I think most often about our last two conversations, I really wish I had called him back on the Sunday night....
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
On towards tomorrow.
I just wrote this in a haze of unreality... I guess its best described as my expecrience of Marks last days.
He wakes in a puddle, fear starts to grow
Doesnt like when things go wrong, where will this trouble go?
Calls her up, she's scared too
If only there was warning, if only they knew.
Next day dawns, he feels unwell,
calls her up again to tell
I dont feel well my Love, but I think I have time
I will go in the morning my love, all will be fine
She waits for his call, waits anxiously to hear
Not a sound from the phone, she wishes she were near
Finally calling, cannot stand to wait
He is in real trouble, Her distance now she hates
Waiting on updates, he's so far away
she cannot hear his voice, cannot call his name
Another evening falls, the outcome not known
She goes to bed worried, tosses and turns till dawn
They think he is responding they think he will be OK
She wakes to the silence of a brand new day
Hope springs eternal, she will be with him soon
She heads out in morning, is gone till afternoon
At home her phone is ringing, she gets back to see
they have trying to contact her, what could it be
The words hit her like a bomb, like unreality
He's gone, he's gone, no longer there to see
She drives in a haze, unable to believe
Too late, no goodbyes, no way to ever see
The sparkle in his eye, the sound of his voice
No more chances, no more choice
Now every day is empty, she moves within a haze
Holding tight to memories, desperate to remember his face
His voice is slowly fading, his smell begins to slowly fade
All thats left are memories that they made
If you find a love thats true and pure
Grab every moment so you are sure
When fate comes calling when unprepared
It will not matter if you cannot be there
Two weeks
Well today is two weeks since my sweet prince passed away. I sure do miss him.
So many things feel unfinished, so much unsaid. I find myself in the midst of my day often thinking 'I will have to tell Mark...' then I realize and again that emptiness and sadness.
I am trying to keep as busy as I can, it truly helps to have small manageable goals to keep working towards, keeps the sadness from creeping too far into the forefront of things.
One of my favorite pictures of Mark
I went to visit the campus of Queens University yesterday, what a beautiful place! I am sincerely hoping that I will gain admission there next year. The ladies in the admissions office were very helpful and set me on the right path to help insure my acceptance into next years program.
So I have now filled out my enrollment forms for some University prep classes through the ILC. My goal is to score 90% + in all so that when I submit my transcript next february there is no question I will gain admission.
So many things feel unfinished, so much unsaid. I find myself in the midst of my day often thinking 'I will have to tell Mark...' then I realize and again that emptiness and sadness.
I am trying to keep as busy as I can, it truly helps to have small manageable goals to keep working towards, keeps the sadness from creeping too far into the forefront of things.
One of my favorite pictures of Mark
I went to visit the campus of Queens University yesterday, what a beautiful place! I am sincerely hoping that I will gain admission there next year. The ladies in the admissions office were very helpful and set me on the right path to help insure my acceptance into next years program.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Unfinished Sentences...
I want to talk a little bit about unfinished sentences. With this loss that takes on a new meaning to me.
One of the small quirks Mark had that always made me smile was the way that he made notes to himself. He would jot down a name, a few numbers, unfinished sentences that had meaning to him even if they were random words and numbers to everyone else.
In the years we had together I came across many of these little notes written on everything from his notepad to envelopes to napkins and pieces of paper towel. A large number of these little notes were just a snippet of a conversation we once had. Finding those ones never failed to make me smile, even now in this seemingly endless fog I am struggling to make my way through I will find one of these unfinished sentences and for a brief moment be able to smile through the pain.
Our life together has now become an unfinished sentence that I must find the strength to finish on my own. This was to be a big year for us. We were already actively planning our wedding, we were going to be married at sunset because evenings were always our special times. We were planning to have it at Mom and Dad Wyatt's home on the patio with the lake as a backdrop, I was writing my own vows and he may have done that too, we were going to exchange rings we were planning to buy this spring, and I was going to wear pink.
I was going to go to college in January and Mark was going to greet my children from school each day so I could. We both knew our time together was destined to be less than other newlyweds could hope for and plan for but we just did our best to pack as much into the time we had as we could.
On April 19th my whole life came crashing down. It was the wonderful, strong, friends and family that I had gained with Mark who have kept me standing through this.
Mark was the bravest, strongest, most loving man I have ever known. He was loyal to his parents and siblings and was unashamed to show his love for them.
He brought me into his life and I found myself welcomed into this wonderful family who he always told me would be there for me any time I ever needed them. They have done just that now at this darkest moment ever his family, who are sufferring through their own pain, have helped me to see through the haze to a future where I will go on to live Mark and my Dream. Mark's best friend, over the years became my good friend as well, in greiving for him together and remembering all the good times we can find a smile and even sometimes laughter through the tears.
Mark, I am so blessed to have been a part of your life and I have given everything I have to you for the past two years, We crammed so much into those years that I now have what seems like five years of memories to cherish.
I thank you Mark, for letting me into your life, for loving me and letting me love you, and for always trying to keep me smiling.
Goodnight my Love, until we are together again take my love with you and know that you were my everything and that I will love you into eternity.
A week ago I spoke those words as a final goodbye to my Fiancee at his funeral service. i have always liked to write and he encouraged me to try it again, I didnt in earnest but now I find the more time I spend thinking talking and writing about the happy times we had the more I can find peace in the turmoil that has been my soul since his passing.
This is a Blog about my journey through grief and into the future, I am writing it for me but hope maybe somewhere, sometime, someone who is needing to read about hope after great loss will read it and see that things will get better and brighter and that life will go on. I am not at that point yet, I still cry every day for him, I still sit in a trance and think of times we spent together. I can see through it though now, I can see that every day is going to get a little easier. I know the pain of losing him will never completely go away, but I know someday it will mostly be happy memories that will keep him alive in my heart.
One of the small quirks Mark had that always made me smile was the way that he made notes to himself. He would jot down a name, a few numbers, unfinished sentences that had meaning to him even if they were random words and numbers to everyone else.
In the years we had together I came across many of these little notes written on everything from his notepad to envelopes to napkins and pieces of paper towel. A large number of these little notes were just a snippet of a conversation we once had. Finding those ones never failed to make me smile, even now in this seemingly endless fog I am struggling to make my way through I will find one of these unfinished sentences and for a brief moment be able to smile through the pain.
Our life together has now become an unfinished sentence that I must find the strength to finish on my own. This was to be a big year for us. We were already actively planning our wedding, we were going to be married at sunset because evenings were always our special times. We were planning to have it at Mom and Dad Wyatt's home on the patio with the lake as a backdrop, I was writing my own vows and he may have done that too, we were going to exchange rings we were planning to buy this spring, and I was going to wear pink.
I was going to go to college in January and Mark was going to greet my children from school each day so I could. We both knew our time together was destined to be less than other newlyweds could hope for and plan for but we just did our best to pack as much into the time we had as we could.
On April 19th my whole life came crashing down. It was the wonderful, strong, friends and family that I had gained with Mark who have kept me standing through this.
Mark was the bravest, strongest, most loving man I have ever known. He was loyal to his parents and siblings and was unashamed to show his love for them.
He brought me into his life and I found myself welcomed into this wonderful family who he always told me would be there for me any time I ever needed them. They have done just that now at this darkest moment ever his family, who are sufferring through their own pain, have helped me to see through the haze to a future where I will go on to live Mark and my Dream. Mark's best friend, over the years became my good friend as well, in greiving for him together and remembering all the good times we can find a smile and even sometimes laughter through the tears.
Mark, I am so blessed to have been a part of your life and I have given everything I have to you for the past two years, We crammed so much into those years that I now have what seems like five years of memories to cherish.
I thank you Mark, for letting me into your life, for loving me and letting me love you, and for always trying to keep me smiling.
Goodnight my Love, until we are together again take my love with you and know that you were my everything and that I will love you into eternity.
A week ago I spoke those words as a final goodbye to my Fiancee at his funeral service. i have always liked to write and he encouraged me to try it again, I didnt in earnest but now I find the more time I spend thinking talking and writing about the happy times we had the more I can find peace in the turmoil that has been my soul since his passing.
This is a Blog about my journey through grief and into the future, I am writing it for me but hope maybe somewhere, sometime, someone who is needing to read about hope after great loss will read it and see that things will get better and brighter and that life will go on. I am not at that point yet, I still cry every day for him, I still sit in a trance and think of times we spent together. I can see through it though now, I can see that every day is going to get a little easier. I know the pain of losing him will never completely go away, but I know someday it will mostly be happy memories that will keep him alive in my heart.
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