I want to talk a little bit about unfinished sentences. With this loss that takes on a new meaning to me.
One of the small quirks Mark had that always made me smile was the way that he made notes to himself. He would jot down a name, a few numbers, unfinished sentences that had meaning to him even if they were random words and numbers to everyone else.
In the years we had together I came across many of these little notes written on everything from his notepad to envelopes to napkins and pieces of paper towel. A large number of these little notes were just a snippet of a conversation we once had. Finding those ones never failed to make me smile, even now in this seemingly endless fog I am struggling to make my way through I will find one of these unfinished sentences and for a brief moment be able to smile through the pain.
Our life together has now become an unfinished sentence that I must find the strength to finish on my own. This was to be a big year for us. We were already actively planning our wedding, we were going to be married at sunset because evenings were always our special times. We were planning to have it at Mom and Dad Wyatt's home on the patio with the lake as a backdrop, I was writing my own vows and he may have done that too, we were going to exchange rings we were planning to buy this spring, and I was going to wear pink.
I was going to go to college in January and Mark was going to greet my children from school each day so I could. We both knew our time together was destined to be less than other newlyweds could hope for and plan for but we just did our best to pack as much into the time we had as we could.
On April 19th my whole life came crashing down. It was the wonderful, strong, friends and family that I had gained with Mark who have kept me standing through this.
Mark was the bravest, strongest, most loving man I have ever known. He was loyal to his parents and siblings and was unashamed to show his love for them.
He brought me into his life and I found myself welcomed into this wonderful family who he always told me would be there for me any time I ever needed them. They have done just that now at this darkest moment ever his family, who are sufferring through their own pain, have helped me to see through the haze to a future where I will go on to live Mark and my Dream. Mark's best friend, over the years became my good friend as well, in greiving for him together and remembering all the good times we can find a smile and even sometimes laughter through the tears.
Mark, I am so blessed to have been a part of your life and I have given everything I have to you for the past two years, We crammed so much into those years that I now have what seems like five years of memories to cherish.
I thank you Mark, for letting me into your life, for loving me and letting me love you, and for always trying to keep me smiling.
Goodnight my Love, until we are together again take my love with you and know that you were my everything and that I will love you into eternity.
A week ago I spoke those words as a final goodbye to my Fiancee at his funeral service. i have always liked to write and he encouraged me to try it again, I didnt in earnest but now I find the more time I spend thinking talking and writing about the happy times we had the more I can find peace in the turmoil that has been my soul since his passing.
This is a Blog about my journey through grief and into the future, I am writing it for me but hope maybe somewhere, sometime, someone who is needing to read about hope after great loss will read it and see that things will get better and brighter and that life will go on. I am not at that point yet, I still cry every day for him, I still sit in a trance and think of times we spent together. I can see through it though now, I can see that every day is going to get a little easier. I know the pain of losing him will never completely go away, but I know someday it will mostly be happy memories that will keep him alive in my heart.
That is absolutely beautiful....
ReplyDelete